pmdd symptoms and effects this affliction has had and at moments continues to have on me if I don’t take care of myself. #decidedlySane.
Basically anyone who’s ever brought me joy becomes an annoyance, an emotional vampire if they have any expectation of focused energy, time or to be intimate in any way before my monthly cycle in PMDD.
It’s pretty painful because I don’t want to not engage, but there’s this darkness that just doesn’t give space for joy or for me to experience any other feeling but rage. So I retreat and become disengaged and it hurts those that I love, but I can’t help myself. I feel tightly wrapped in a cloak of darkness, unable to breath. Constricted and at a loss for words as there is no emotion in me other than utter disdain and a desire to destroy -usually myself or anyone I can hear chewing or breathing.
I cannot communicate. My words are gone. I want to hide, as the thoughts that race through my mind are not clear and really confusing. It’s hard to work on a daily basis unless I have mindless paper shuffling to do. I am useless in a fast-paced world of constant communication.
I become completely disengaged and I have to isolate. If I am forced to engage before I am ready then I become a geyser of wrath. In PMDD I enjoy every moment of vengeful retaliation if I am pressed and disturbed and not allowed to go through my process in peace. I become mean. I want to scream and scream until all of the air is out of my lungs and I’ve filled the entire world with my pain. This wrath is by no means directed at anyone, but does not discriminate against anyone.
Once my cycle starts the heavy cloak of darkness leaves me and a complete transformation occurs. I am light, full of self-love and simply happy. Relieved from the bondage of whatever held me hostage up until that moment. Love pours freely from me and I am back to my free-spirit positive self. PMDD is the opposite of who I innately am.
My PMDD expereince is painful and complete insanity. I’ve had to learn to manage it by doing things differently in order to take my life back. This blog is going to reveal more of what PMDD has taken away from me, given to me as well as allow you the reader to go through it with me.
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