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Prozac . . .

When I was diagnosed with PMDD, my doctor prescribed Prozac aka Fluoxetine (http://www.drugs.com/comments/fluoxetine/for-premenstrual-dysphoric-disorder.html) She said that I should take it 3-7 days before my actual period and that I may find myself simply taking the pill everyday and that that would be ok.  So when I gave up trying to figure out when the onset of PMDD would occur, I decided to take the pill every day of the month.
At first, the darkness was lifted and I was able to communicate effectively, work as hard as I loved to and be a consistently present and loving partner in my relationship. The relationship and my work suffered the most during my PMDD episodes. I was dismissive.  I isolated. I became short-tempered with my lover and could not take on any extra responsibility in my life.  At work I would become confused, forgetful and easily overwhelmed. As my life unraveled during the episodes of PMDD, the repercussions of disappointments were running rapid in both my career and my personal affairs. So as far as I was concerend Prozac was my chance to save my world from crumbling.
Before Prozac, I would describe my state of being in PMDD as if I were getting on the train.  It was an express train to crazy town where I don’t give a fuck was always the next stop.
On Prozac, I didn’t get on the train.  I was safe for a little while and definitely stayed close to the edge of the platform waiting for the next train to pull in.  I had become accustomed to taking my trips to crazy town. I always felt that it was simply a matter of time.
Prozac was effective at first, increasing my brain’s supply of serotonin.  Allowing me to partake in my life’s events. I could be social, work hard, communicate with clarity. I actually could be affectionate to my partner while in PMDD.  Where as before I couldn’t converse.  I couldn’t engage in any back and forth where I had to be accountable for an outcome.  I couldn’t commit or make decisions.  I really wanted to just sit in a dark room alone. Prozac gave me the promise of happiness back and we started planning our future.
I don’t know when the shift occurred. But suddenly, I wasn’t thinking right again. It wasn’t PMDD. The thoughts didn’t match my feelings at all and they would assault my mind at the most random places.I’d be sitting at a stop sign. My mind would play a tape and I would imagine myself driving through the stop sign hopeful that a truck will smash into my little black Mercedes and I will immediately die upon impact.
If you only new how much I loved my Mercedes!
I’d be walking to the gym at the Upper West Side and I’d think about tossing my body into the street in front of a bus!
I’d be walking to get my daughter who brings me such great love and joy and I would think about how I wish I could kill myself, but can’t because she needs me.  The annoyance of being needed to stay alive was so overwhelming to me.
If you only knew how much I love my children!
PROZAC seemed to have shut off the serotonin and there was no HAPPY flowing anywehere and I became afraid of what I would do to myself.
More to come…I can’t go there tonight.
Please note I am not a doctor, I am not blaming anyone or making light of any pain that I’ve caused anyone.  This is my story. I am simply sharing my experience because I went through this feeling like I was the only person in the world with PMDD and so today I share to bring hope to someone like me.
#decidedlySane