I’m working pushing past feelings of dread, rage and utter sadness.
My body is tight.
My shoulders feel like they are being pressed down by a ton of weights. It’s as if I’m trying to stand and someone is holding me down. Feels like someone’s knee is jammed in between my shoulder blade….I am so uncomfortable in my own skin and I want to scream.
I am writing little snippets here and there when anger comes through with clarity and my words want to be spoken. I want to start something. I need a victim. The woman next to me has a cold and is relentless with the sniffling…I want to tell her to cut it out.
How about I tell you the truth? Here’s how I’m doing. I feel like I have an invisible cable wrapped around my chest and my arms are heavier than lead. I may as well be left for dead tied up on the rail road tracks that run above my head at the office. I fantasized a little about the idea of getting run over and smashed to smithereens by the 5p Amtrak to NYC…..anything is better than this feeling.
I took 4 breaks today to do breathing exercises that on most days work…not today.
Today is the worse of it…which means that the end is near. That’s the silver lining of PMDD. Just when it feels like I can actually act out the scenes of destroying myself, someone else or beating someone to a pulp I bleed. And the veil lifts. Most months I take no prisoners. Today? It’s still young….going to YOGA to free my mind and body from the grips of #PMDD