Somewhere along the way from a young innocent spirit to the woman I am today a message had been delivered upon my little self. The voice that delivers this message to me is barely audible, yet it still manages to speak to me from the depths of my PMDD.
I had just taken a Pilates class that really kicked my work out game up a notch. The endorphins were pumping in my veins and I felt euphoric. I lingered in that moment where my PMDD seemed non-existent. My heart was thumping in my chest. I could hear it in my head, thump-thump, and thump-thump loud and overwhelming. My breath pulled in deep. I exhaled with a sigh of contentment as I wanted this moment to last and so I focused on my breath. I looked at my arms that planked for more than 60 seconds that night. I looked at my eyes and they looked relieved and bright not sad and deeply pressed into my skull. I sighed as I began my ritual. I filled the tub. I sprinkled the bath salt. I lit the candles. I burnt incense. I pressed play and the spiritual playlist I created months ago on iTunes began to fill the air with ancient drumming and chanting and I began to peel off my gym clothes.
First step in, it was hot! Then the next step in, felt hotter and I worked my way in breath-by-breath until I settled myself in-between the steam and heat. I was engulfed in the vibrations of the music and entranced by the ripples extending from my knees. I lingered a little more following the rings around my body noticing myself taking up space. I looked around at the candle lit room I created and I felt this sense of peace and accomplishment-Namaste. I felt decidedly sane and engaged in my moment as far away from PMDD as possible. It truly was a perfect moment and I actually felt happy.
I noticed the water was warm and my skin ultra sensitive to the temperature shift between the wetness against my skin and being exposed to the humid air. I leaned back. My head dipped back into the water. On my elbows head hanging back until I finally pulled my arms to the side of me and allowed the warmth of the water to encircle my head. I noticed the lightness of my hair floating in the water and then I felt the water around my chin and cheeks. I allowed my head to sink a little deeper and then a little more until my forehead was under and then the little voice spoke to me.
I immediately pulled myself up and I began to cry quietly. Thoughts of suicide are a common theme while I am in PMDD. The insidiousness of it is truly amazing to me. My PMDD picks up on the darkest parts of me, my old ideas and insecurities and kicks it all up creating a shit storm. Thankfully, I’ve come to realize and understand #PMDD’s impermanence and so I hold on to that like a life preserver, because my life actually depends on it.