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Honoring my PMDD

Honoring my PMDD

I don’t know if it was my body that began to act differently around my menses or that my self-awareness had increased and so I became more attuned to the impact on my temperament around such times. I am not sure if the fact that I began to live a healthier lifestyle of vitamins, yoga and meditation had left me vulnerable to become allergic to dairy, wheat and nuts! I don’t know if giving up smoking and drinking so that I can detoxify and eventually try to run a marathon opened the floodgates to be susceptible to the incessant insanity of PMDD.

I just don’t know the timeline of when PMDD really entered my life but I do know that within the time of my becoming a healthy vessel PMDD found a clearing to blow my life to smithereens. In my 20’s I was so preoccupied with being a free spirit and young mom that I had taken my health for granted. I think that that is something we do when we are young and feeling invincible.  That invincible mentality died in my 30’s and so I decided to change the only relationship I believed that I had any control over. I thought that I could manage “my mind and my body.”

The road to this newfound oneness with the self was not a lovely stroll in the park. In fact, it was a real trip of confusion and self-pity.  It seemed that the healthier I tried to become the more my mind and body retaliated.  So I began to seek medical help. Almost immediately I was diagnosed with IBS.  Then, I was diagnosed with Anxiety. I had undergone a series of neurological exams. Eventually, I was diagnosed with depression. In the interim, I developed TMJ-which led to one doctor suggesting that I be screened for Parkinson’s!

Frustrated and appaled, I decided to try another avenue of expertise as I couldn’t find reprieve with textbook diagnoses. I went to homeopathic practitioners. I had Reiki sessions, acupuncture and a series of deep tissue messages in tandem for two years and eventually within the first year I was finally diagnosed as suffering from PMDD. That led to a whole other slew of misinformation and guessing games.

My life would for the next two years continue to fall apart cracking at the seams as the tectonic plates shifted ever so slowly underneath my feet. PMDD would encroach the crevices of my mind keeping me ever so close to the precipice of insanity.  Eating up the hours and the days between good ones and terrible ones to a mere 10 good days at a stretch per month. The havoc and the chaos that ensued would leave me jobless, feeling loveless and entirely hopeless.

This was my introduction to coexisting with PMDD. I would spend nearly a year jobless and near poverty, without insurance and with my #PMDD.  Desperate, I had to get creative with my healthcare regiment and decided every day, which actions I would take-to-take care of myself. This was the beginning of my journey of honoring my position with this affliction and respecting its hold over my existence.

# DecidedlySane