I’m constantly deciding to look for some semblance of sanity. I feel tortured by the constant effort it takes to be high spirited and positive. I really am struggling to get past the second guessing of which thing to do on my to do list. My driving in circles around mall parking lots searching for the widest space to pull into because I feel the need for more space and my strolling down aisle after aisle half witted picking ingredients for a dinner for six at my home is sheer insanity.
Why do I host a party in the middle of PMDD? I do this because despite the sense of indifference I feel in this moment towards anyone who cares about me. I know it’s not real and my friends will get on just fine while I coast on the role of hostess in my home.
The indifference cultivates a sense of awareness that gives a wide road to travel in the “fuck it’s.” The thought of how did I become this way is the over arching theme of my constant turmoil. This thought process bogs me down thoroughly. It’s a mammoth annoyance that I can never seem to get away from while in PMDD. I am really trying to say “eff you PMDD” and just keep it moving.
Perhaps I am pushing away from the intolerance of this thing I call my life. Embracing the moments of clarity I reach my hand out to my friendships and loved ones to help me walk along without hurting myself. I reach out before lashing out and giving into the thoughts swirling in my head to any unsuspecting friend, family member or stranger. I’ve just begun this new tactic to help me be PMDD victim free. So there is less wreckage and less apologizing and zero remorse.
I am struggling. Inside the vortex of PMDD I’m utterly spinning in blackness. However, surrounding myself with my friends and loved ones is the safest assurance I have to take care of myself and continue to be #decidedlySane even if just for today.