I had to really push myself to write this entry tonight. I hadn’t written in a while because I fell into a trap of “feeling better.” This notion of “feeling better” is a false sense of reality rooted in the afflicted mind of #PMDD. When things seem to be going well and life becomes full, feeling better can lead to forgetfulness. I busied myself with all that life had grown into. I began living in total disregard of the routines I set in place so that I can be active in my relationships in #PMDD and beyond.
I let my guard down and before I knew it, I was 10 days out before my period. Overwhelmed in negative thoughts and feelings of anxiety. I held on and white knuckled on through the hours of the day. When disappointed at work or personally, my social filter disappeared and I’d say things that my healthy self wouldn’t normally say. My breathing became short as my temper. I began to eat poorly again: salty foods, sugar, dairy and carbohydrates and I didn’t get enough sleep. This led to feeling exhausted, cranky, bloated and heavy…so the cycle began. I became an unhealthy, really flippant version of myself. It’s amazing how quickly all the good can become undone.
I resisted the company of friends as I began to isolate. I became sullen, full of complaints and indecision. Nothing felt right and I felt afraid that I am really mentally ill and not just #PMDD. I’ve been here before. I’ve been her before. I’ve been here before. My healthy voice was but a whisper in my head, but I heard it and I paused. The steps back to healthy living begin and look like this…. I get dressed. I go take a Yoga class. I change it up and take a Pilates class. I jump on to the elliptical for 30 minutes and drink lots of water. I do this for the next 5 days as I begin to eat healhty again.
My body, rejuvenated. My mind, focused on working on what is real…my breath, the aches of my muscles and the thirst that must be quenched. These are real and in the moment and at that moment I realized I’d escaped myself and showed up for myself all at once.
Grateful and #decidedlySane
The trickery of #PMDD