A relationship is a precarious endeavor regardless of PMDD. Some people spend a lifetime trying to get it right while others find their match and “live happily ever after.” PMDD does not make for a fairy tale life. However, you can have magical moments in a relationship despite this affliction. Once I developed a sense of who I am beyond PMDD, I had a better understanding of how to take care of myself while in my relationship.
I learned how love during PMDD. This was a major accomplishment as before I would disengage and be hateful towards the wind blowing in my hair. I learned that I could be “normal” sharing space with my partner despite feeling like I wanted to scream my lungs out. In the height of my PMDD I could be held by someone that I knew loved me. I also learned that just because I have PMDD I should not become complacent or feel less than as far as what I have to offer.
Like all good stories of romance their needs to be a nemesis. Of course mine was the fear I had of always waiting to board the PMDD train. This fear was not so much in the forefront of my mind but a constant nagging-waiting for me to step out of routine. To veer off of the beaten path, to not eat right or not get to the gym, to perhaps loose my way so then I wouldn’t be able to show up for my relationship because I’d feel lethargic and too tired to communicate. This fear would eventually turn to guilt and I became consumed with trying to “be” a certain way.
When a shift had occurred in the relationship, I started to not speak my truth. I began to push my needs aside and even if I expressed what I needed and that need was not met, I didn’t trust if I was being pushy or PMDD or on point…I became overwhelmed with trying to be on point and not PMDD. I was constantly kickboxing several ideas in my head about where I was in this relationship. Was it helping me grow? Was I an asset to this person or a burden? Was I being selfish or astute? I felt exasperated because the reality was I was not getting what I needed and nor was my partner, but I couldn’t discern my PMDD from the reality.
The truth was that we had grown our lives in completely opposite directions. There were months where I was on point and PMDD was but a blip on the radar, yet there were still issues in the relationship. I had to see this. It was very clear. Overall, I became grateful of the realization that I had had an unsuccessful relationship that was not destroyed by PMDD. It was not all my fault and I hadn’t made a mess that needed to be cleaned up and there certainly wasn’t a desperate guilty feeling that needed to be resolved. I didn’t need a second chance because I was out of my mind and had lost control. I had a relationship that ended and I don’t have any regrets about PMDD. Although my heart is broken and I have many other issues to sift through, I am happy that I got to love beyond PMDD.