It’s amazing how we can think maybe? I was listening to Emile Sande’s song Maybe, and I thought, wow this song encapsulates mine and dare I say every person betwixt staying and moving past a relationship that’s proven impossible to take flight.
My PMDD is the epitome of indecisiveness. Stubborn and amidst the cycle, I have been feeling a particular sense of discomfort this month. My PMDD allows me to unapologetically stay inside of my head, tolerance to navigate the pain and enough insanity to build a huge amount of patience to endure being stuck before changing my behavior. It’s the proverbial self-pity party of one run amuck.
For months since the break up, I’ve been experiencing my life as an observer. Watching myself navigate decisions, work, social endeavors and avoiding myself while grabbing on to anything that would bring me relief from the discomfort. At times sleepless and for the most part very agitated. This month I welcomed PMDD to distract me from thinking, “maybe we can make this work.” Amazing how delusional I can become in an instant. To think of the pain and suffering of PMDD as source of relief is utter madness.
I didn’t publish anything in the whole month of October. I couldn’t string the words together to create statements. I couldn’t elicit any ideas of emotional substance. It was a biter sweet month of triumph and loss and I couldn’t communicate from the heart. This is the result of not showing up for myself. I abandoned my self-care routine and even though I know better, I decided to suffer because I allowed myself to get burnt yet again by the same flame and I was punishing myself for it because my ego needed to get kicked around and outside of the field of forgiveness and compassion. I needed to be true to myself and really get honest.
I came to the conclusion, “ . . .we should stop pretending. It’s time to go,” be healthy and stay focused. No matter what the situation is, at the end of the day my PMDD had been a handicap in my relationship. I make up for my lack of patience while in it and nearly become a welcome mat to get stepped on when I come out of it. I’ve spent the month discerning between stepping outside of the realm of insanity and understanding that “it’s time to go.” No need to intentionally suffer “we both know we’re hurting.” Be #DecidedlySane and do differently.