Somewhere between holiday shopping and attending parties there was a space in the frenzy where I had to question where I was in #PMDD. Was I propelling into madness or was I okay? Perplexed that in a sliver of a moment there was great opportunity for a certain sense of dread to wash over me. I realized then that all feelings will come to light.
This must be where the healing begins; wading in the aftermath of a relationship that had finally died. I took a moment to revisit and it stole a piece of my sanity. The holidays are never easy especially when trying to move past disappointment. In search of a reprieve, I continued to tell myself that it was going to be ok. I am stronger today for all of my relationships, especially the ones that were most unhealthy.
I ventured on to one business event after another. Warm wishes of health and happiness slipped through my red lips. The holiday hugs pressed against my chest with hands open and flat on my back. I wondered if they could feel the words of all my insecurities branded on my skin like an animal that had been poked and prodded, still enslaved by old ideas. The words have engulfed my existence. I can still hear them spoken to me as my heels don’t allow me to touch the sky. I am perpetually stuck in that moment.
How can I move forward in this world with PMDD? I look around the room of beautiful people and wonder am I an imposter living a complicated life? I seem so pulled together, smart and engaged. I begin to imagine everyone’s partner at home and wonder if I will ever find love or do I even deserve it. Am I incapable of making anyone feel special? I attend another event where I laugh a little too loud and I consider my next person needing to be a saint or selfless in order to be able to hold my hand through PMDD. I am standing alone at yet another event and realize that I may be doomed to be alone forever? My skin begins to itch.
The universe has a way of delivering me from the bondage of self; a call from a friend in need. I answer and take solace in the fact that I no longer have to think about the past. I can be present for someone else who obviously doesn’t read me the way I’ve been read. She is not in my head. She is simply looking at me and what she sees makes her happy, brings her comfort and I begin to feel light and love emanate from our banter and laughter. A moment of liberation. I have been holding myself hostage. No one sees the words on my body, branded by someone else’s indifference.
My #PMDD will grab onto anything that is the opposite of joy, health and life. I must be vigilant even when I am not in PMDD, because morbidity resonates. This is ok. I am ok. No feeling is a forever feeling and I have developed a skill set of behaviors to tap into my happy place despite feeling the words thick on my skin. I will find a way to soothe the burn of the past, change the writing and live beyond my wildest dreams despite PMDD.