When I began to push myself to meditate while in PMDD, I quickly realized that my chaotic thinking was subjective to whatever insecurities were prevalent during my cycle. My happiness was generally hinged upon the actions of another person. There was always a sense of impending disappointment. Is this person going to do any of the things I believe will make everything better? Is this person going to do whatever it is that needs to be done to satiate my need to feel a sense of relief? Conceptually and outside of PMDD, I understand that it’s no one else’s responsibility to make me feel a certain way. However, when I am in deep meditation and willing to face my “inner most self” I can understand why I might look for another to care for me while I’m in PMDD.
In practicing meditation, I am gently reminded to be a bit more discerning about what it is that I am really looking for from others. Is it validation? Am I simply in need of attention or companionship because I am feeling alone and isolating? Is it worse than this? Am I looking for someone to be my emotional mule while I am in PMDD? Whatever it is that I look for in someone else, meditation has allowed me to get honest with my own heart and see that although I can ask for certain things of people to help me feel comforted, the heavy lifting has to come from within.
Hence, I decided to listen and began to ask questions of myself while in PMDD, like why am I uncomfortable in my skin, feeling anxious and disappointed? What surfaced in these moments of meditation was the realization that I didn’t have to be stuck in the discomfort of PMDD. I simply had to be willing to do things differently. There is a certain kind of spirituality and empowerment that comes from discerning where the truth is in that moment. The burden is all on me to make the change…it’s all me.
My anxiety can be stifling and I can become irritable and discontent, however it generally festers from inaction. Becoming enlightened to the idea that I don’t need to be the heavy in my own body and that I could be light was an illuminating concept. I can shine from within if I simply made the effort? My nervous system can generate endorphins to combat the anxiety and stress to alleviate my discomfort. Knowing this allows me the realization that I have all I need within. It’s not about someone showing up, making me feel a certain way. It’s about me showing up for myself.
Meditation is not a one and done kind of exercise. It is a continuous practice and not easy to start and stick with, but going through PMDD untreated is far worse. I could only sit for 2 minutes when I started, there are days I can sit for 20 and most mornings I barely sit for 5. It’s the practice that allows my truth to be revealed and sometimes I hear crickets! However, meditation in essence has allowed me to have meaningful relationships with my inner most self and my circle of influence. I can check in and ask for what I need every now and again. I no longer have the need to drag along an emotional mule. #decidedlySane