One year ago this month I embarked on a journey to become decidedlySane and have since been practicing enjoying my life on life’s terms. I am no longer pushing my will against my PMDD but ebbing with the flow of all of the emotional waves that crash upon the shores of my serenity.
This year I’ve made peace with myself and have come to understand that I don’t need to be perfect to be deserving of love. This was the first step because I thought I was a monster. I would be compared to Jekyll and Hyde and I internalized that. I allowed the feelings of fear to take away my power. I sat in this state of terror for as long as my mind took me hostage. I believed that I should kill myself, but couldn’t go through with it. I believed that I was an imposter at work and that they would find out and fire me. I hid from my friends and family 10 days of my PMDD and became manic the rest of the time. I accepted this to be my lot until menopause.
There came a shift in my thinking and I decided that this wasn’t a good enough existence for me, especially not for my personality. I’m a ball of energy and love and light. I love life and laugh a lot. I felt like I was leading a double life, half a person and perhaps I was loosing my mind. I showed myself a bit of compassion and created a road map for myself and began making significant changes in my lifestyle.
I started with the simple things from the amount of rest I have, what I eat, exercise meditation, the company I kept and yes, I am on the pill…my life has done a 180.
I still have moments when my PMDD is like fuck you go kill yourself, but those moments are so few and far in between. I never thought that I would think of my PMDD as the universe’s way of telling me to take care of myself. I am a strong woman and the mental gymnastics of PMDD can be debilitating, but because of my efforts not impossible to wrestle and pin down in those moments.
Aside from the self-care, I truly believe that enhancing the quality of the people in my circle of influence has been healing ~ I now vibe on a different frequency. Having this affliction and being in the midst of it feeling insecure had allowed space for others to look at me and seek refuge from their own insanity allowing their burden to be shouldered by me. I no longer engage in unhealthy relationships. We must all do our part to be accountable. I had to recognize that the quality of the people I surrounded myself would be the quality of the love, support, compassion and advice I’d receive. My PMDD is not an excuse for people to be remiss, flippant or disapproving of me. It is my opportunity to grow my life from the inside outward. Change your thoughts. Change your world.
If this resonates with you…. you are in a good place.