In my 20’s a lifetime of incongruent ideas about who I was and what I would become had eluded me a million times over. It would be in these early years that I began to realize symptoms of severe PMS. The person I was dating noticed a shift in my temperament around my cycle and suggested that I look into it. The opportunity to finally have an excuse for being who I had been was very appealing to me. Until this point on the inside, I was a generally irritable and discontented person. On the outside, my saving grace was that I was really funny, pretty (although I didn’t believe it), gregarious and very generous and supportive of those that I loved (constantly distracting myself) and in return people loved me. Hence, there was a different perspective of who I was that was intimate and meaningful and although it wasn’t born from a spark within, a fire had been lit.

The more I thought about my cycle I realized that my sleep patterns would change and my desire to escape, be in avoidance and proclivity for living dangerously were insatiable. I was raised being told that my personality was like the taste of vinegar. I internalized that to mean that my personality was a required taste as were the people a decided to associate with.

IMG_4466.JPGSomeone who cared for me more than I was able to care for myself saw me and noticed it and it made me take a look at my history not only with my period, but my life’s story. I began seeing a therapist, it was the early 90’s and it seemed the thing to do when burdened by life. It was very avant-garde of me. I didn’t know anyone in my Puerto Rican family that had ever gone (although they should have) nor any one of my friends had ever gone to therapy. Albeit, my family life from a very young age was quite unmanageable and I at least armed with that knowledge decided to perhaps try to begin peeling the layers of this newly discovered person through what appeared to be PMS.

Years of dissecting my life from understanding where I stored my trauma and where I perpetuated behaviors that would inevitably result in more of the same I would find myself diagnosed with PMDD. At first I was afraid as no one else really was talking about this, but eventually I have found my way with it and I can now with absolute certainty say that what ever issues of insecurity, doubt or unresolved feelings I have will manifest themselves in my PMDD. I’ve discovered that reconciling my life and allowing myself to be healthy in relationships, mind, body and spirit definitely helps my PMDD.  As I continue to pull the weeds and plant the seeds, of healthy living I watch my life blossom.

#decidedlySane