Suicidal thoughts like ninjas swoop down from the sky and slice the joy from my spirit. I am left wading in a pool of self-doubt and insecurity. I was captured by surprise this PMDD week. Whilst walking from one room to the next of my colorful apartment, the thought took me over in an instant. I went from enjoying the cross breeze of the spring air freely circulating in my sprawling space, to having my sanity mugged by my thinking. Surprised and hurt by the hostility, I wondered why I would I want to escape my life today? The thought hadn’t entered my mind for some time.
This morning was particularly special for me as I had recently gone through some heartache, but was feeling hopeful in my realization that people will often times disappoint. It’s been my experience that relationships are difficult. Many people are driven by or trapped in fear so they don’t allow themselves to grow in relationship and some lack the integrity of being honest. Moreover, I’ve found myself in relationships that were an ill fit and despite the obviousness of it, letting go had been my struggle. However, this morning I woke up feeling optimistic, as I had awakened with my hands wide open and ready to move on.
The fear of the idea of suicide immediately sent me to take stock of my life. I eased into defense mode which quickly turned to anger, my default mode. This thinking is an assault on my very existence and all that I’ve worked on this past year and a half on being “decidedlySane.” I’ve grown to love myself even whilst enraged and angered in PMDD. Hence, I am perpetually in action as is my sick brain. I know that my thinking is a symptom of the unresolved pain of loss and fear.
My ego is up in arms because at the end of the day, I feel like I’ve failed. Even though this end is for the best, my spirit has been bruised. My inner voice is screaming that I’ve created a life of accountability in this affliction. Reminding me that I’ve chosen to play a role in this PMDD community and so I am responsible to find a fucking solution that does not involve taking myself out!
This thought was seemingly unprovoked and came rushing in swirling in my mind like a vortex of emotions spiraling down to one demand. It was a painful concept. Of course, I understand that the end of a relationship is a certain kind of death and we mourn. However, my PMDD wants me to rid myself of this body, this mind and this life!
Exhausted, I’ve come to realize that thoughts of suicide are simply thoughts. I can get caught up and offended if I want to placate the bullshit, but I’ve got to reach in and grab on to the belly of the issue; the trigger to off myself is pain. Pain has many layers in such a tiny word; there is abandonment and disappointment, betrayal and not feeling important enough. I realize that I have some work to do around the end of this relationship. Like a bird with a broken wing, I need to mend. I need time and the suicidal thoughts need to be redirected to me asking myself, “Where is the wound?” I must change that idea of suicide as a solution to again asking, “Where is the wound?” Finding the wound and mending is the solution. Living life in flight above the ninjas and beyond my wildest dreams is the solution.
If the thought of suicide is circulating in your brain, know that you are not alone and that thoughts are fleeting, but finding the wound is necessary work.