The unresolved past has a way of creeping into my present moment. Every 3rd week in my cycle I lose faith in myself. I revisit the journey along my path up until this point and analyze where I believe I should be. It’s painful to live this way, carrying a load of regret and self-doubt. I get carried away by nostalgia and fantasize about an old flame. I think about how I ruined my career because I didn’t know how to handle existing with PMDD. I get caught up in how i shoulda done this or that or a maybe if this hadn’t been said or done and eventually it ends with…I just didn’t have the tools.
Today I am filled with a certain kind of sadness. I want a hug. I want to be told that everything will be ok. I want a voice to soothe me and give me that assurance, because I feel alone. Even with all the people I surround myself with, in PMDD and no lover, I feel alone. I have to dig deep for inspiration. The saving grace for me in PMDD today is that I know the difference between what is real and what my ego is screaming about. What is real is that I am a force to be reckoned with and most of the decisions I’ve made are done. My ego however is holding on to a dream deferred, an old idea of what I thought happiness meant.
It’s easy to say keep it moving, but it’s really hard to sit still with these feelings. Keeping it moving can seem flippant, but it’s something I tell myself to not be bogged down by hurt and propel myself into action. This month’s PMDD hasn’t been an easy journey at all. Once I decided to stop screaming, raging and treat myself the way I would my children with love and compassion, then this PMDD became more manageable. I know for a fact that the constants in my life allow me to keep it moving in a healthy way. Diet, sleep, exercise and surrounding myself with positive people really IS key.
If a happy and productive life is cut short for many of us with PMDD, why should we allow ourselves to be miserable one more day than necessary? PMDD actually helped me learn to deal with fear; self-loathing and suicidal ideation by allowing me the space to change my lifestyle, identify the bullshit of my stinking thinking and to become accountable. This month my keep it moving meant being ok with the decisions of the past and more importanlty being ok with missing someone I once loved immensley. It meant being ok with walking away from whatever I walked away from with a clear conscious so I could be decidedlySane.