There is a hellish vortex of emotions battling within me today. I am looking for my next rant as I carefully go from one activity to next in my endeavor to be #decidedlySane. However many disappointments I’ve had today, there is a sense of accountability that I must face. I have placed much too much weight of my own happiness in the hands of others. In my PMDD I look for consistency and when there is none…it is a trigger. I don’t care if this seems irrational…it is what it is. If someone I care for calls me on a daily basis and I don’t get the call…it makes me wonder why not and my colorful imagination begins to paint a picture. If I can’t connect with people who are generally easily accessible, it is a trigger and I reconsider the relationship because I feel lonely and dismissed. If I reach out to a family member and don’t’ get what I need it’s an emotionally charged trigger!
Today has not a great day to say the least, but I am not going to fight with anyone. I am going to “quietly” keep it moving…
I read many complaints about partners of women who suffer PMDD being unavailable, unsupportive or too clingy and I get it…I had someone in the beginning of my PMDD and without tools it is was tough to navigate and I hated having to share my PMDD space and explain where I was inside of the vortex. I hadn’t the vocabulary to describe any of it. Today armed with tools there’s been a shift. Ironically, in PMDD I now want love, comfort and attention. I brave so many of these storms alone and despite wanting to be in the passenger’s seat for a change, today I’ve no recourse, but to fill my day. Moving my body relieves the mind. I began my day with a spin class, followed by a healthy breakfast, a green juice; a lovely lunch with a friend. I am writing this post and am going to Bikram for more relief; like a top, if the thread is pulled I will spiral out. These activities are keeping me grounded.
Illogical at times the emotions in #PMDD make for a lot of suffering. There is a certain kind of dread and sadness that like the theater curtain comes down and all is black and can seem bleak. Being in action brings momentary relief and the realization that no one is purposely trying to hurt me. I believe that it is important for the sake of this community to honor the emotional escapade, validate what comes with the affliction and take accountability in order to become self-aware. Finally, when at all possible, take no prisoners. No need to start something because of a feeling that may be fleeting. Off to Bikram I go….namaste