I cannot believe how long it’s been since my last post. I have been spiraling out of my healthy living routine; daily juicing, exercise and sleep patterns have been erratic. Work life balance nonexistent! I have not been taking care of myself in the way I’ve learned works best for maintaining an agreeable disposition. My pmdd is like a disease waiting for me to not show up so it can take the lead. When this happens, I am the spinning top whose thread has been pulled and the momentum that spins me out of control will not dissipate until I bleed.
Disappointed in myself and afraid of how I might behave socially, I lean in into my friends with much trepidation. Overcoming the fear of revealing my vulnerable PMDD self was at the forefront of my decision not isolate. I was afraid of being judged or doing something or saying something unforgivable. However, I really didn’t have a choice not this month. I got tired of PMDD winning; robbing my moments. I know my friends love me, especially this one particular non-judgmental friend that I decided to experiment with. I dug deep and mustered enough courage to allow myself to be “off,” “scattered,” “hyper” or even “bitchy” in front of her. I exposed my PMDD in a way in which I had never done outside of my home safely in the company of my daughter and partner. Despite the voice in my head screaming that no one understands me, I am alone and that I am annoying people with my problems. I pushed passed her and broke through a barrier. Perhaps my exposing myself was what I needed to do this PMDD.
We managed to go to dinner and a movie. She nick named me TAZ and at that moment I was a little embarrassed but willing to embrace her perspective. Yes, I wallowed in self-pity for a bit and wondered if my friend thought me too crazy and perhaps thought less of me. I not only ask her about it, I also shared my fears with her. Her explanation of me really was no different than how I normally am. Maybe more anxious, but that conversation with her reminded that this PMDD is an inside job for me. I must get out of my way and push past the ideas, thoughts and self-doubt.
This post is to say that a lot of what I go through in PMDD that is not physical is definitely psychological. I am not dismissing how exhausted I am in PMDD. I am a bit lethargic and not as limber, but honestly more than anything, I am severely uncomfortable in my own skin. I must learn to quiet the chatter. I already know that I am not perfect. I embrace what I need to work on as I am human. Therefore, I strive to be honest and simply can’t continue to close my eyes and wait to bleed and hide from my community. I am here and want more than anything to be alive and a part of, engaged in my life and the lives of those I love. I want to create memories and suffer less in PMDD.
My friend is still my friend. I must get back on the beam of healthy living. Loving myself enough to change where I am for the sake of getting healthy is really important with this affliction. I have to take care of me and when I feel I cannot, I have to allow others to help me through and to show me what they see. Show me the way back to being decidedlySane