I have a very rewarding professional life and I am so grateful to be able to say that. I love what I do. I love the pace of it, the people I work with and by extension the opportunity I have to make a difference in the community. From creating, managing and executing – I am the Woman in Charge and although I believe I was born to do what I do, there are times when I dread showing up.
It’s 6 am and the alarm is sounding off. Upon opening my eyes, I am immediately consumed with a sense of dread. I can feel the bloat. My body feels heavy. I decide on wearing a dress today and that washing my hair will help my overall feeling. Not ready…I hit snooze. I cannot relax. My mind is racing about what lies ahead in my day and I get feared up. I cannot recall if I have all of my ducks lined up and I am sure that I have forgotten some things that need to get checked off of my list of things to do and people to call.
My boss is in town and I’ll have to drive around with him. Be in the car all day with him. Ugh, I wrap myself up in the blankets and squeeze my eyes shut as to shut my brain down from collecting the events of the day and the lack of physical space I have to endure. I breath a little more and I begin to pray…I roll off of the bed and onto my knees. Please God, help me get through this day. Help the tension dissolve from my face, my jaw is tight. Please help me remember to breath and how to walk, speak clearly — can’t be stuttering today and to drive. My boss is an edgy passenger … Help me keep my shoulders away from my ears and for heaven sake please help me not lose my shit today!
I can smell the coffee brewing…thank goodness for being able to program the coffee maker the night before…I tell myself to take a shower. It’s 6:45 am and I have a to do certain things to help me along the way:
- Get cup of coffee
- Fill the space with ohm
- light incense
- play yoga music for meditation
- Make fresh juice
- Feed the cats
- Fill their bowl with water
- Scoop the poop
- Wash morning dishes
- Send daughter to school
- Wash my hair
- Blow dry my hair
Sip coffee…sit still… breath
I am having a hard time breathing as I try to squeeze into my slacks. I decided on a power pants suit for the day instead of a dress, but that doesn’t work..I can wear that next week when I am not looking like I am in my second trimester.
Overwhelmed again this morning, I decide to surrender to the idea of staying home and calling in. I play the tape. Should I text like a millennial, email, the passive approach or pull up my big girl pants and call my boss who has a full day planned?
Where’s my dress?
It’s 8 am…makeup…drink coffee grab keys.
8:30am I am in the car and I am utterly exhausted but I am showing up for the day…
In the car, I shrug it all off. I get into my work head. I look in the mirror of the sun visor and smile at what I see. I look alright despite the war zone between my ears. Along the drive in I begin to wonder if anyone else goes through this? How many of us have to push when we don’t want to in PMDD. I begin to feel a little jealous of people who may not have to show up anywhere and who can be in the misery until the next moment. I feel so alone and in my head. I don’t have anyone to push me out of the door like I do my 16 year old. I send her to school lovingly. I get her going, but no one gets me going. I have to be my own cheerleader and for the invisible warrior that resides inside of me I have to march on so that my family, my life and my spirit can grow.
I receive a text…someone from the office is stuck in traffic. They will be late.
Drive to my first stop to collect Boss Man. He jumps in the car. I am happy to see him. His excitement is infectious and in that moment, I am so relieved, proud and feeling a bit normal. I am relieved that the first part of the morning is behind me and that I get to be more than the wreck I was earlier and proud that I actually made it and showed up for my life despite my PMDD.
Off we went and although there were moments throughout the day where I was anxious, I pushed through. I would breath deeply when necessary, make sure I ate, had something to drink, connected with another PMDD sufferer for support and allowed my boss to run the day. I also decided that he should drive my car. It helped take the focus off of my driving which by the way nothing wrong with it, he’s just one of those passengers who likes to complain. Most times, I think it’s funny but in PMDD it could lead to more anxiety for me and so giving him the keys was an opportunity for self-care and serenity.
Handing the keys over may seem like handing over power fro some people, but for me it was about taking control of my life so that I could be the better me for him, our clients and the day. I am truly grateful for my life, my career and the opportunity to be able to share these sort of stories and not hold on to pain and suffering longer than I need to for the sake of my ego. Living in the solution and showing up despite PMDD is my reality since becoming decidedlySane. Letting go of ideas of what should be and being honest with what is in front of me, my affliction, my needs and limitations is the only reason why I am where I am today. I have PMDD and I have to show up for life despite it and quite frankly probably because of it, my life is pretty amazing!