The people who find pleasure in picking my world apart are
no longer on my frequency. They no longer reside in my heart or my physical space. The past year has been a journey of elimination. I highly suggest people look at their circle of influence and make adjustments accordingly. I found that society became my mirror and upon reflection, there was no way that my life could continue being lived as it had been up until the very point of the decision to change for good.
2016 will forever be the year of recognition. I grew beyond and despite PMDD. I dedicated a lot of my time to issues that mattered to me in politics, on the board of NAPMDD and professionally. I experienced shock and heartbreak from artists who died in succession; Bowie, Prince, George Michael, Carrie and Debbie to name the few of the many who have influenced my ideas, shaped my creativity and are all imbedded in the soundtrack of my life. These artists coupled with the sad state of the world; Isis, Pulse, Flint Michigan, Black Lives Matter, the election and Dylann Roof.
The issues that had me, my children, friends and family experience feelings of dread, loss, grief and anger continuously revealed how precious life is. With all this going on in the world, I had to recognize that PMDD generally wants me dead and if i am not careful, if I don’t take care the result could be fatal. I had to consider, people are dying on the streets daily. Inundated by information, trying to discern the truth from the lies became a daily reflection. I began to take inventory of my own state of affairs and decided that my circle of influence had to be evolved, loving and compassionate.
When my friends and family began to speak using language that I found offensive. When they started blatantly sharing their political views and overall feelings about gender, sexuality and where our nation had gone wrong. When the lies started to pile up. I wondered how I became who I am and they who they are. I wondered why they played the blame game and I had the hope to be the change. I wondered why women had such contempt for other women. I recognized the different forms of privilege and fear people had appropriated. From race to religion, history has a way of repeating itself in the face of indignant insecurity. I wanted to fix something that was obviously broken. I wanted to shift minds and views, but I realized that I hadn’t the power.
I endured great family drama, the loss of friendships and the overall theme of 2016 had become me having to let go of people that were not healthy for me. I had to embrace that who they are has nothing to do with me, my morals or my heart. The things I thought we had in common no longer held us together and I chose to walk away. I chose to fiercely love myself as they chose to stand up against everything I believed in. I set the boundary of zero-tolerance as they had on their side. I pulled away and decided to change the conversation. My home had to be my sanctuary. My mind and emotional barometer had to recalibrate.
When I am in PMDD – it’s hard for me to do anything but try to get through the day. This past year has taken a lot out of me. I’ve had to fight a lot of battles to get where I am professionally, to get my family through really tough times and to ultimately clear the space to recognize that I deserve to live a life I want. I deserve to be successful. I deserve to be the parent I want to be to my children and I deserve to be loved. I believe that everyone deserves to be happy and that love is love, is love, is love. I believe that everyone deserves a chance to be the best them possible and I certainly believe that PMDD has changed me in a way that has created more good than bad. I am very grateful that my kids are wonderful to me and that I have managed to raise a couple of really decent people. They help me walk a little taller when PMDD wants me six feet under.
I am ready and leave 2016 behind, not because it was a terrible year, but because I have grown beyond it. It served me a full life of experiences that helped me grow beyond my comfort zone. I am looking forward to my tomorrows. I have learned that resentment is the killer of joy and that although the change I and millions had hoped for did not see the light of day, the conversation has changed in my home and among my peers. I am happy to say that clearing the space of people who are not kind, supportive or adding value to my life has been a sobering experience. The detox is real. Ridding my life of toxic people meant I had to pull the weeds to make space for my life to grow and bloom. This has not been easy but thus far I have been living a wonderfully peaceful life. Truly rewarding.