It’s been a while I know.  I’m back now and want to share something incredible.  I have discovered another side to me that I forgot about.  I have been able to really love myself, laugh out loud and be truly whole in every part of my life.  I began to recognize the me that had been hidden for so long.  I’ve been able to explore avenues in my mind as my heart has grown and I have become spiritually sound.  I no longer pray to be relieved, but more thankful than ever for the opportunities that are abound.

I began to say yes to anything that sounded like a good idea.  Any invitation received professionally or socially was accepted as an opportunity to help me move past the PMDD restrictive mindset….I am no longer stuck in a state of PAUSE.  Protecting myself from myself. Hiding from people that may trigger me or only having half the month to get it all done.  I want to say that I have been PMDD free for the past 6 months, but it feels so weird to say it…I truly believe that the symptoms have subsided.

How’d I get here?

My story shifted back in December when after a few emails and calls to my doctor begging to be relieved of PMDD, she had decided to not heed my request. There would be no talk of hysterectomy nor would she be removing my ovaries. Instead her first step would be a short list of things I needed to do first.  She asked me to seek therapy to help with my anxiety over my work, personal life and coping with PMDD. She asked me to continue with my workout routine and to stop taking the pill immediately.  She promised that if I did all of these things and felt zero change, then she would revisit my request to remove my reproductive organs.

I was most afraid to stop taking the pill.  I believed that it was the only thing that helped me stay somewhat sane, controlled my bleeding and helped me keep track of my PMDD.  I wondered if she sent me on a suicide mission, but I did my part and stopped the pill and by the 3rd cycle there was a shift.

I did not experience dread, rage or confusion, just a little fatigue around my cycle. I then hadn’t had a real period for about 3 months and thought I was going through early menopause as I was more bloated than usual.  I also thought I had just gained weight and this was my new norm.  It was a ridiculous idea as I work out like a maniac, but hormones are tenacious and DNA is what it is.  I thought I was going to be a bloated belly older woman from then on, but wanted another visit with my doctor before running to get a tummy tuck.  After a few tests she discovered that I was not menopausal but had uterine polyps and within a month I had undergone a Hysteroscopy.

After surgery, I decided to not keep track of my cycle so that I wouldn’t deal with phantom reactions. I didn’t want to be swayed by what I though should be happening as much as wanted to simply be whatever I was going to be for whatever reason in my cycle. 

Hello PMS 🙂 I no longer want to kill myself.  I have the capacity to love myself, get out of bed, work, be present and am free! Today, I get my period and there is a new norm.  I bleed for an entire week, which is annoying in itself but I am not depressed, enraged, confused, stuck nor trying to hide from the world.  I am simply annoyed by it all…it’s so amazing.

I can’t tell you why this is my story.  But it is what it is.  I am not on medications, I exercise, eat super healthy and take great care of myself.  I don’t smoke, drink nor do I indulge in recreational drugs.  I am just a healthy person all around and even if I am PMDD free for a short period of time and it comes back, I’m relieved that  I’ve had the chance to meet myself, explore and live for a bit in total freedom.

If you are stuck, talk to your doctor.  Take note of your lifestyle is there space to change your environment, your food intake, exercise habits? I believe that all of the pieces matter in order for us to live sound lives. I am not saying to get off of the pill, I am simply sharing my story. My experience is all I have to give here and I share it so willingly.  I have been away for some time I know, but now you know what I’ve been up to.

Today I can wake up before my period and everyday and say HELLO, rather than pull the covers over my head and want to die.

I am  #decidedlySane?