The universe has a way of testing character. I have been single and on this self-care journey for more than a year and it’s been an amazing experience of intimacy and exploration. I’ve become my greatest friend and supporter of my truth. I’ve become the person I knew of despite my PMDD and as I related to being a partner. I’ve been able to be a mother to my children without scrutiny and have worked on my career unapologetically. I’ve declined and accepted invitations, have gone on mini trips, celebrated friends, treated myself to nice things and have been able to exercise as often and whenever I’ve wanted…I am simply living my life and I am feeling blessed.
To many people this is a normal existence, but to me this sort of life was but a fantasy. I was so limited in my experiences that I could not plan before my period because I was catching up to life and in pmdd and then would have to plan way beyond it, when hopefully I’d be feeling normal. Until the blood, there was little clarity. The stain on my existence seeped through to all of my affairs. My relationships. I held on for too long to many toxic relationships, scenarios and ideas. Always blaming myself and trying to fix myself to fit into someone else’s lifestyle, idea or illusion. No matter, I felt like I’d never find another to love me, or think that I must have done something wrong for them to want to mistreat me and decided that I had to save relationships because I needed validation to be worthy.
PMDD was deeply nestled in my greatest fears and if one is prone to depression, addiction, and self-loathing to name a few, buckle up because the ride certainly will get bumpy. I rarely cruised in PMDD…always a fight. Mostly with myself. I fought to live. I wanted to kill myself so I could stop feeling worthless. I didn’t try to. Why? My children. I had no choice. It was that simple. I just sat down and shut the fuck up. I began a journey of self care…exercising, creating a life I want to live, and eating healthy.
After many years of searching for answers I am finally free. The journey has been both a blessing and a curse. I’ve made some mistakes with people, career choices and hurt myself at times because I didn’t believe in myself and gave all of my power to PMDD. I’ve taken risks. Some losses and some wins. Today, I am sitting here a winner…. the irony is that when I decided to believe in me. When I decided to remove those ideas that held me back, my life began to bloom.
When I decided that I was worth fighting for, I began to stand up for myself, my beliefs, and my serenity. Dismissed PMDD as the excuse and decidedly, no longer engage in drama of any sort. I’m done trying to be anything for anyone other than who I am. I no longer chase someone else’s dream or fight other people’s demons. I am done clawing my way up and out from under the covers. No longer isolate. Today I linger in the moments thinking about the past with a huge sigh of relief and am excited about my future, because without you I am everything.
without you I am #decidedlySane