I thought we were done. It had been 8 months of pure joy, last minute weekends trips and planned vacations without hesitation. I had been rigorously celebrating this new found freedom of being active in my life in every facet. From indulging in SoulCycle at any time along my travels in every new city to dinners at a drop of a hat with friends and business colleagues. Shopping for the latest trends without feeling insecure, bloated or psychologically fatigued had become my reality. This new life was extraordinarily different than how I lived. I was so happy, felt so healthy and my body was connecting to my spirit in a way it had never done before…I actually felt safe in my skin and liked what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I felt good and strong when I asked my body to tap it back at spin, to add the resistance for strength and when I pushed for speed my body, mind and spirit were beautifully aligned.
This new found oneness with my sense of self is no longer. I’ve been on a horror ride. Everything has shifted and my life is riding on the breaks. I’ve been bleeding for the past 2 months. I am still bleeding. I have been placed on hormones and it’s not been a great time. I am constantly choosing between, bleeding and coping with suicide ideation. There are days when I chose to bleed. I am perpetually lethargic and completely underwhelmed by life. Life has become a chore again. I am pushing myself to partake in the activities of the life I’ve revved up to over a year ago. I am feeling burdened in this moment writing this blog. Hence, i will not edit. I will publish as is, because I am once again pushing myself to partake in yet another instance I’ve created in my life to share with those who suffer from PMDD. I want to be sassy and say you’re welcome……silver lining of PMDD….not caring what people think is a little bit of a gem 🙂
Ramble, ramble…. Here it is. I am peri-menopausal I have been for over ten years, but I think i am towards the end. I stopped taking birth control in December 2016. I was no longer in a relationship where i had to try to protect anyone from my PMDD and so I took a risk and stopped the pill…my world changed. I felt so great. I felt alive, energetic, less moody and overall elation. It was a miracle. This lightness and liberation came as a beautiful gift at an amazing time in my life where I desperately needed change. I felt like I had been given the gift of life and so I began to live as I knew I was capable. I began to laugh more, sing more, love myself and treat myself to things I used to talk myself out of, because I finally came to believe that I deserved what I wanted. More importantly, I can give myself whatever I want.
But two months ago the blood came and my world is no longer on solid ground. I am back in PMDD. Insecure, paranoid, desperate and paralyzed. I am isolating, can’t drive, am absent minded, easily confused and exhausted. I am on progesterone. It’s gnawing away at my sense of stability. I begged my doctor to get me through this right away, I cannot afford to regress. She was not concerned with my mood…she just wanted me to stop bleeding. I had become anemic, very close to needing a transfusion and because everyone thinks i’m too strong to give in to the thoughts…I was taken for granted.
I met with her first thing last Tuesday, explained to her my morning. Time has been ticking for me today and by 7:15 am I have considered the idea of suicide at least 10 times before blow drying my hair! It’s exhausting and I needed to get out of the door to come see you and then move on to work, where I will lead a team to negotiate business deals and be creative, and a pillar of strength and confidence…
I AM strong. I AM a force. I understand why my doctor would take me for granted, knowing she’ll see me through this, but I am simply who I am and I have PMDD. So, I remind her PMDD is dangerous and I am boxing with the demons inside of my minds eye. I can cover it up well, but always think there is a tell. I know I will win, my heart is golden. I have more love in me than not, but i am in pain. I need relief and I need it fast.
She tells me that it will come.
I am having a procedure done in a couple of days to stop the bleeding. This will get me off of the hormones and hopefully bring me some relief. Otherwise, I’ll need to have a hysterectomy. This is all I can say about it right now. I apologize if the words aren’t eloquent, but I wanted to document this….the hormones are not good for me. THE HORMONES are not good for this body and I am in mental anguish over it and still bleeding. I wonder why this is my fate, however that thinking also gets me nowhere, and so if I can help another person suffer less, than there is some solace for me in that idea.
If you find that you are suffering as I am, talk to your physician and please do not allow people to take your strength for granted. Do not feel ashamed for feeling afraid, angry or disillusioned. PMDD is still not a go to idea for physicians. They simply understand it as a mood swing, but the more we (the irony) educate our doctors on PMDD, the more awareness will ensue.
I am constantly refocusing on being #decidelySane