It’s an amazing realization when one experiences the essence of compatibility. I have always struggled with willing relationships despite not being the right fit. From friendships, members of my family to partners; I’ve always believed that I should nurture every relationship even if they were unhealthy and so I willed them to continue to exist. Perhaps I was afraid of feeling alone, as a child I had experienced my mother abandoning me time and time again…she’d disappear for stretches of time and I sat with the longing for her return. Today we don’t speak because well, she hasn’t changed her ways and I’ve grown accustomed to her not being around.
A new thing about my today is that I have allowed my life to transpire despite PMDD in a way in which my relationships are all healthy, loving, and kind. There is reciprocity on all levels and allowance for imperfection. As many who suffer from PMDD know, being perfect is not only an illusion, but at the forefront of the affliction is the desire to assimilate some sort of perfection, be it simply getting out of bed and showing up for kids, work, friends …life. Not thinking negative thoughts that lead to suicide ideation is challenging and for some to simply be able to get through the day without harming oneself is as close to perfection as one can ask for. Early on in PMDD the simple act of brushing my hair would be the equivalent to perfection and for many that is still not an easy task to undertake.
Almost 10 years of being fully aware of my PMDD, I can honestly say that the decisions I’ve made to pull the weeds in my social garden have paid off. This weekend I had the most amazing opportunity to go prom dress shopping with my daughter and unbeknownst to me I’d also be full on PMDD mode. Initially I felt terror as I was afraid I would not be able to be present for her and I’d make the experience for her a dark memory. However, telling her I was PMDD and to be patient with me allowed her to go into awareness mode and at 17 her being able to shift her mindset is a true testament to how much she loves me, understands me, how to navigate her mom in PMDD, and a result of how I show up for her every other time outside of PMDD. So people take a moment and reflect on that statement….those that love you and truly know you and appreciate you and your efforts, actions and love should have no issue with being supportive of you when you are struggling with PMDD, if you are honest, accountable and can handle being social.
We continued doing our shopping and when my partner arrived I almost lost my mind. I was ashamed that I was PMDD and didn’t want to not seem perfect. I asked my daughter to explain the situation as I couldn’t speak; I felt smothered and out of sorts. I don’t know what info they exchanged outside of my PMDD, but it was a non-issue and I was in a safe space. It was not addressed as anyone’s’ issue, a problem to be excused from or a damper on the occasion. Instead it was met with offering help and asking what was next on the agenda so I didn’t have to do anything on our list alone. The topic of conversation was not my PMDD, but a quick catchup on where we were on the search for the perfect prom dress. What a relief that was, to have someone just come in and simply stand by me in support and not take ownership or make a big deal out of something I have no control over.
We as a team continued our search and allowed the feelings to pass through me without issue. We had a meal and laughed a bit. We didn’t find the perfect dress, however I found that my life may have just gotten as close to perfection as possible. I was looked at lovingly, with care and given the space to eventually get through PMDD and finally say,” …it’s lifted for now. Thank you. I love you.”