Despite PMDD I have a career that I love.
I have children that love and adore me.
I have family members that love and adore me.
I have very strong friendships and these friends love and adore me.
I’ve had the opportunity to have great love in my life, however of all of the above relationships and commitments, I find it most difficult to hold on to the partnerships.
I find it difficult to be in a relationship that requires me to be committed to being vulnerable, honest and comforted while in PMDD.
In the beginning of every relationship there is so much room to hide away, set up distractions and be in avoidance while in the cycle of the madness.
The further into the relationship, an honest conversation needs to be had in order to be able to continue on, manage expectations, and help educate the partner on the PMDD struggle.
You then have to experience PMDD within the space of the relationship so that the partner can understand and recognize when the shift occurs.
This is by no means easy, comfortable or sexy. In fact, too revealing, unnerving and a lot of pressure for both involved. So if this is going to take place, one needs to perhaps in my case love this person and then think that the new interest is a good fit and hopeful that the challenge won’t turn the person off and that they don’t run to the hills like a bat out of hell.
I did all of these things. I thought it through. However, the thing about PMDD is if you’re stubborn, it’s more stubborn. If you’re prone to depression, PMDD will amplify that depression. All underlying thoughts of dis-ease and discontentment will come to the surface. All the things that trouble you about yourself, your partner, your kids, the pets, and the Lyft driver will also not be safe. Perhaps you’re bloated and decide that you’ve wasted a lot of money on soul cycle the past two years, because you’ll never be skinny enough. This PMDD will be all about beating the shit out of yourself and feeding into body dysmorphia. Perhaps your partner isn’t paying enough attention, doesn’t get you, you’re thinking isn’t the “one” or whatever! I mean the list gets extensive and then the kids don’t respond fast enough to the texts and the Lyft driver talks too damn much!
The inner chatter is incessant.
The litany of resentments pile up and the only option one can see beyond the confusion of opposing thoughts is to do what is absolutely necessary, save the relationships that you must have. You can’t get rid of the kids and your friends can be pushed off. So you organize and show up for work and decide on what to unload.
I can make a case against anything and for anything and I can tell a great story. This is the most perplexing… while in PMDD I lose track of what is real and what is feeding into the narrative of the affliction.
I’ve been in a relationship where I’d become abusive to my partner. I’d rage. I’d have these horrific meltdowns and couldn’t function until the blood came. The veil would lift and the birds would chirp and then I’d go into triage mode. I’d try to fix all that I dismantled.
I was being asked to show up when I couldn’t speak, care when I felt indifference, and be held when my skin curdled to the touch.
It was most confusing because outside of PMDD my love was strong and my devotion unwavering. The excitement for life was abundant. The complete opposite of when in PMDD and it became an insufferable existence for the both of us and the relationship didn’t survive. I will say… other issues were at play and sometimes if you can trust your feelings you need to honor the truth as much as possible, but for my part having PMDD didn’t help us.
I promised to never do this again. To never act out so horribly. To be accountable and to not take prisoners.
This rational thinking is great fodder outside of PMDD.
At this point I’m wondering who can relate to this…
Whatever doubts I have in my head about anything, in PMDD these doubts become things that I cannot live with. These doubts become pillars that prevent me from seeing any other solution than an utter excavation of the life I build with someone, to lean into isolation, and to become disengaged from whatever I can.
This is so very dangerous especially around work, friendships, and my children…although for some reason this group is the manageable. I can leave, excuse myself, and state that I am PMDD and there’s zero expectation of me.
In relationship the monthly admission of being PMDD and having to talk about it gnaws away at my ego. Makes me feel broken, mentally unstable, and a less than person in the relationship. All the insecurities, stories told to me as a child, the abandonment issues, self image issues..all of these things come crashing down on me. The monthly occurrences become so intolerable and at times prompts the suicide ideation component of the affliction … and there is the rub. I then decide that I shouldn’t be in a relationship until I either remove my ovaries or have gone through menopause.
It’s easier for me to be alone becomes my storyline.
This is really sad because no matter who I am in a relationship with it’s simply not safe after sometime. The collection of time that should help two people grow their lives together brings me great anxiety and a feeling of confinement. I don’t like feeling compromised. I don’t like being vulnerable when I’m mentally and emotional unstable. It’s too messy for my ego. It’s not who I believe I am and therefore I feel the need to hide. I feel like a fake and the trust I need to have in another person is too much to ask of me. I can be honest, but I can’t trust that deeply.
At least not now…
Until then, I will count my blessings and stay grateful for the love I do have and embrace that I am capable and worthy of love as I continue the good fight to remain #decidedlySane