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A life as close to perfection as possible despite PMDD

20 Tuesday Feb 2018

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD

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PMDD, PMDD relationships PMDD SELF WORTH

It’s an amazing realization when one experiences the essence of compatibility.  I have always struggled with willing relationships despite not being the right fit. From friendships, members of my family to partners; I’ve always believed that I should nurture every relationship even if they were unhealthy and so I willed them to continue to exist.  Perhaps I was afraid of feeling alone, as a child I had experienced my mother abandoning me time and time again…she’d disappear for stretches of time and I sat with the longing for her return.  Today we don’t speak because well, she hasn’t changed her ways and I’ve grown accustomed to her not being around.

A new thing about my today is that I have allowed my life to transpire despite PMDD in a way in which my relationships are all healthy, loving, and kind. There is reciprocity on all levels and allowance for imperfection. As many who suffer from PMDD know, being perfect is not only an illusion, but at the forefront of the affliction is the desire to assimilate some sort of perfection, be it simply getting out of bed and showing up for kids, work, friends …life. Not thinking negative thoughts that lead to suicide ideation is challenging and for some to simply be able to get through the day without harming oneself is as close to perfection as one can ask for. Early on in PMDD the simple act of brushing my hair would be the equivalent to perfection and for many that is still not an easy task to undertake.

Almost 10 years of being fully aware of my PMDD,  I can honestly say that the decisions I’ve made to pull the weeds in my social garden have paid off. This weekend I had the most amazing opportunity to go prom dress shopping with my daughter and unbeknownst to me I’d also be full on PMDD mode.  Initially I felt terror as I was afraid I would not be able to be present for her and I’d make the experience for her a dark memory. However, telling her I was PMDD and to be patient with me allowed her to go into awareness mode and at 17 her being able to shift her mindset is a true testament to how much she loves me, understands me, how to navigate her mom in PMDD, and a result of how I show up for her every other time outside of PMDD.  So people take a moment and reflect on that statement….those that love you and truly know you and appreciate you and your efforts, actions and love should have no issue with being supportive of you when you are struggling with PMDD, if you are honest, accountable and can handle being social.

We continued doing our shopping and when my partner arrived I almost lost my mind.  I was ashamed that I was PMDD and didn’t want to not seem perfect.  I asked my daughter to explain the situation as I couldn’t speak; I felt smothered and out of sorts.  I don’t know what info they exchanged outside of my PMDD, but it was a non-issue and I was in a safe space.  It was not addressed as anyone’s’ issue, a problem to be excused from or a damper on the occasion. Instead it was met with offering help and asking what was next on the agenda so I didn’t have to do anything on our list alone.  The topic of conversation was not my PMDD, but a quick catchup on where we were on the search for the perfect prom dress.  What a relief that was, to have someone just come in and simply stand by me in support and not take ownership or make a big deal out of something I have no control over.

We as a team continued our search and allowed the feelings to pass through me without issue. We had a meal and laughed a bit. We didn’t find the perfect dress, however I found that my life may have just gotten as close to perfection as possible. I was looked at lovingly, with care and given the space to eventually get through PMDD and finally say,” …it’s lifted for now.  Thank you.  I love you.”

PMDD doesn’t need to be a self-fulfilling prophecy

31 Sunday Jan 2016

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD and Happy, PMDD AND RELATIONSHIPS, Uncategorized

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DecidedlySane, PMDD, PMDD and exercise, PMDD and Meditation, PMDD Blog, PMDD Self Care, Self-Care in PMDD

Decidedly INSANE is not how I imagined I’d end 2015. I had done so many things that were beyond my wildest dreams. My career was on fire in a new city where I was making a solid name for myself. There was great love in my life. I felt wonderful about how I looked; thinking I was aging well because I was taking care of myself. I had this regimented life of self-care and because of it; I could gracefully get through PMDD more often than not. I was able to take my daughter on vacation despite my PMDD as 2016/01/img_0425.jpgwell as celebrate her 15th birthday by having her Quinceanera (Sweet 15); a party I had dreamt of throwing her since I first held her pink newborn body in my arms. I was literally on top of the world in September. I was showing up for my life and creating memories with my children, my friends and I hoped that my mother would come despite her telling me weeks earlier that she wouldn’t be celebrating with us.

This milestone is a tradition that although I never experienced for myself, I hope my daughter will pass down to her own daughter if she should be so lucky to have one. However an extraordinarily happy time it was,  I was PMDD and not only waiting to bleed as I celebrated, I was still hopeful that my mother would show up. My emotional inner turmoil was hard to manage at times as I carried in the pit of my heart the familiar feeling of sadness and dread that I had harbored as a child.

I watched my children celebrate each other. Their smiles expanded and their laughter and grace for each other eminated and was proud. I created an environment for them to be able to love and celebrate each other. My daughter’s friends were celebrating with people god had sent me who along the way have become more like 2016/01/img_0477.pngfamily to my kids and me than our very own blood ties. Still, I noticed surrounded by all of these people enjoying themselves, celebrating, laughing and dancing I could not quiet my inner child’s cry for her mommy.

Childhood wounds that were cut deep and not completely healed to say the least will painfully resonate.  My ego began to weave a story about my expectations around my family. I thought I shouldn’t be disappointed and that I had no right to be angry if they don’t show up because what’s important to me isn’t necessarily important to them. It’s my daughter and they don’t need to show up for her because I am. Telling myself these stories in order to compartmentalize my life is how I managed rejection and abandonment in my childhood. I had no idea that I would continue to suffer for the next few months, as these old destructive feeling came to surface after so many years of working on my life’s new story line.

Since the Quince, my mother has not spoken to me. She has decided that we no longer have to communicate. This is not a new story.  However, the message to me is that I should not question or desire of her anything she is not willing to give.  I pushed her to show up and she had already made up her mind.  The last time she made this decision, we didn’t speak for 6 years. While it’s a loss for me as someone’s daughter, I get it; it is really easy to fall into old patterns of behavior.  The insidiousness of the old story in my head comes in in a whisper …. even when you are healthy she throws you away!

And the psychic change erupted….

I began distracting myself as to not sit and feel the sting of rejection. My derailment began very innocently; indulging in food that i know I shouldn’t eat. I began to dismantle any semblance of structure i had placed in my life to be decidedlySane. The excuse of a knee injury kept me out of the gym for some time. I couldn’t spin and had no interest in doing anything else; needed the loud music to fill my mind. Avoiding the quiet, avoiding the intamacy led me to not want to practice Bikram in the winter because I told myself it wasn’t convenient when really it’s because I didn’t want to be able to sit in my head or be vulnerable with my feelings. Then, I decided that I hated my gym, it was always messy and the classes were a hit or miss (I only took spin there), so I switched gyms and am now going to a more expensive gym that is meant to take my workout routine to the next level. These are the stories I tell myself whilst running away from myself. It’s clean and spacious enough for me to get lost on any floor. The most recent excuse is that its literally too far away from my apartment and is really only convenient if I go before or after work. However before work isn’t going to happen because it’s too cold in the morning these days. I’ll do that in the Spring…I became the perpetual bullshitter! Setting up road block after road block…this is what my life used to look like so if I had failed at anything, it wasn’t my fault.  It was everyone else’s and my PMDD would begin to feed the demons.

The insanity spread now into the second core part of self-care for my PMDD and I stopped juicing every morning. l had been working too late and was too tired/lazy to get to the supermarket for fresh veggies and fruit. Therefore, not only can’t I juice, but also I order take-out because I haven’t any food or desire to cook.

I was spiraling out of control and old patterns of behavior were tearing down all that I had worked so hard to put in place for myself so that I wouldn’t want to kill myself in PMDD. Late dinners meant I got to bed after midnight which meant that I could not get up early enough to meditate any more. Not being able to meditate was fine with me because I was avoiding myself anyway, but it also meant that I wouldn’t have healthy breakfast. I began ordering something greasy from the diner and 10 extra pounds later my body is achy; I’ve only been to the gym 4x in 3 months instead of 5x a week! I am tired. I feel unhealthy and this is how I’ve gone into PMDD these past 3 months.

I am breaking dishes. I am screaming from the rejection. I am angry that after all these years she still gets to cut me out of her life and I have imploded.

Self-fulfilling prophecy!

After being in enough pain and not recognizing myself anymore. I decided to pull up my big girl pants! Why did I punish myself for wanting a normal relationship with my family, when perhaps this is actually quite normal?  It is what it is. In the end it is not worth me suffering and spiraling out of self-care. Rejection should not equate me abandoning myself.  My pity party lasted a little too long to say the least. No excuse, I went through my process and am very grateful that my partner didn’t run away from my insanity, but stood before me to help me not hurt myself anymore than I had already been hurt. I am grateful, I have such great love in my life. I have people that depend on me being healthy. I adore these people. They are the family that I’ve created for myself. I am going to have many more celebrations to share with those that care enough to show up and be in light and love. However I will not have much to celebrate if I stay stuck in old patterns of behavior.

I hope someone can relate to the feelings of self-worth being attached to an old story that we told ourselves when we were very young. That story isn’t necessarily the story anymore.

…that was not me. I am decidedlySane

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PMDD – The beginning of the road of a painful journey

29 Thursday Jan 2015

Posted by decidedlySane in Uncategorized

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DecidedlySane, PMDD, PMDD Blog, PMDD Self Care, suicide and PMDD

6 years ago in NYC I was at work and suddenly felt like my brain was shriveling. I held my head in the palm of hands trying to understand what was happening to me. I wanted to run to the ER but making a decision was impossible and confusion was abundant. It was not the first time I had experienced this, but in this moment I thought that something physiologically was happening to my brain. I imagined my brain a dry sponge impervious to logic. I felt my brain pulling away from the walls of my skull and in between my ears was the incessant sound of the tearing of fabric. I could feel the pull and tug in between my popping ears and my mouth-dry. In an act of pure desperation and fear of dying, I hopped in a cab to the nearest ER.

Upon my arrival curious attendants in blue scrubs were at first eager to assist me, I notice they pulled back their shoulders as they became skeptical of my intensions once I rattled off my accounts. I was asked if I had been drinking, if I were on narcotics or if I were on medications of any kind. Discouraged to share any more information, as it seemed to be a discrediting me. I fought back the tears as the words spilled from my lips in a hushed tone, “I am sober. I don’t use drugs and I am on Prozac for my PMDD.”

What’s PMDD?

No One asked.

I offered the explanation.

It fell on deaf ears.

The doctor proceeded to scan my eyes, my blood pressure and of course listen to my breathing. I left undiagnosed. I was told to go home to rest and to call my primary doctor. I left the ER with my head hung low. I walked away feeling like i had exposed myself to be judged and ostricized.

I had already done the research. My gynecologist said I was premenopausal as I had a hemorrhaging cycle that would last at least 14 days. My primary doctor who would offer me b12 shots to help with my fatigue from bleeding for half the month had me tested for numerous things from CT Scans to Hormonal Imbalance testing — the result of which she proscribed Prozac for my PMDD and suggested that I see a nutritionist. Gluten free diets were trending and it was suggested that I consider becoming a vegan and stay away from processed foods. Finally I met with a Gastroenterologist as I was also diagnosed with IBS or Crohn’s Disease. Somewhere in the middle of all of these doctors and screenings I was seen by an internist who at first glance, saw my mouth curved downward on the right as it does when I am in PMDD-she visually diagnosed me with Parkinson’s. That was the moment my life had been reduced to a less than shitty hand to deal with in my mid thirties. (Insert the onset of suicidal thoughts here.)

Painful Road in PMDD - NYC 2008After all the testing it was revealed that I didn’t have Crohn’s and not only did I have IBS, I had also developed allergies to many things from dairy to watermelon. The Prozac and Lo Estrin birth control became part of my daily survival plan until I had to stop the Prozac because I was afraid of what I would do to myself. I had begun to entertain suicidal scenarios. I changed my diet and exercised as often as I could get on a treadmil to run away from my mind…however I continued to have the same symptoms feeling as though my brain was shrinking and I began to isolate around these times as there was no relief to be sought from anyone. No one knew about #PMDD and I thought I was loosing my mind as it was suggested that I may have been Bi-Polar.

I’d like to wrap this part of my story in pretty little bow that offers hope and a solution, but this was the very beginning of the road of painful travels for me on my journey in PMDD and becoming #decidedlySane.

I do however continue to wonder if anyone else ever experiences this brain shrinking feeling in PMDD. That’s a question that I’d like to have an answer to someday.

I share these details because I don’t want anyone to suffer alone as I did. There is a wealth of information to be found today on the internet as there are digital platforms and there is the NAPMDD. An amazing resource and advocate for those who are suffering.  This advocacy also offers a support group for partners of the afflicted. There is strength in numbers let us all embark on the journey to becoming #decidelySane

I vibe on a different frequency

24 Saturday Jan 2015

Posted by decidedlySane in Uncategorized

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

DecidedlySane, PMDD, PMDD relationships PMDD SELF WORTH, sef-care in pmdd, suicide and PMDD

Vibe.JPG

#decidedlySane

One year ago this month I embarked on a journey to become decidedlySane and have since been practicing enjoying my life on life’s terms. I am no longer pushing my will against my PMDD but ebbing with the flow of all of the emotional waves that crash upon the shores of my serenity.

This year I’ve made peace with myself and have come to understand that I don’t need to be perfect to be deserving of love. This was the first step because I thought I was a monster. I would be compared to Jekyll and Hyde and I internalized that. I allowed the feelings of fear to take away my power. I sat in this state of terror for as long as my mind took me hostage. I believed that I should kill myself, but couldn’t go through with it. I believed that I was an imposter at work and that they would find out and fire me. I hid from my friends and family 10 days of my PMDD and became manic the rest of the time. I accepted this to be my lot until menopause.

There came a shift in my thinking and I decided that this wasn’t a good enough existence for me, especially not for my personality. I’m a ball of energy and love and light. I love life and laugh a lot. I felt like I was leading a double life, half a person and perhaps I was loosing my mind. I showed myself a bit of compassion and created a road map for myself and began making significant changes in my lifestyle.

I started with the simple things from the amount of rest I have, what I eat, exercise meditation, the company I kept and yes, I am on the pill…my life has done a 180.

I still have moments when my PMDD is like fuck you go kill yourself, but those moments are so few and far in between. I never thought that I would think of my PMDD as the universe’s way of telling me to take care of myself. I am a strong woman and the mental gymnastics of PMDD can be debilitating, but because of my efforts not impossible to wrestle and pin down in those moments.

Aside from the self-care, I truly believe that enhancing the quality of the people in my circle of influence has been healing ~ I now vibe on a different frequency. Having this affliction and being in the midst of it feeling insecure had allowed space for others to look at me and seek refuge from their own insanity allowing their burden to be shouldered by me. I no longer engage in unhealthy relationships. We must all do our part to be accountable. I had to recognize that the quality of the people I surrounded myself would be the quality of the love, support, compassion and advice I’d receive. My PMDD is not an excuse for people to be remiss, flippant or disapproving of me. It is my opportunity to grow my life from the inside outward. Change your thoughts. Change your world.

If this resonates with you…. you are in a good place.

#decidedlySane

 

My PMDD Epiphany

06 Tuesday Jan 2015

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD, PMDD and Happy, Self-Care in PMDD

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DecidedlySane, PMDD, PMDD Love, PMDD relationships PMDD SELF WORTH, PMDD Self Care, sef-care in pmdd, Self-Care in PMDD

It’s 7am the morning of the New Year’s Eve and I wake up with a sense of dread. How did I not realize that I would be PMDD? My first thought is that I should cancel the party. Disappointing people is not something I would do intentionally and so I immediately dismiss the idea. It’s just not cool to cancel a party the morning of; I’ll need to suck it up.

Philadelphia’s catch phrase is the city of “Brotherly” Love and I had planned to celebrate those that have been hospitable to my daughter and me these past couple of years. These new friendships are my lifeline. They nourish me. They’ve helped me grow and have allowed me a space to safely expand my world beyond my PMDD. Even so, PMDD’s decent was as eminent as is the sun setting and the clock striking midnight. I had to prevail and push through and so I fell to my knees and I prayed to my higher power to help me show up despite myself.

I get on my feet and open my bedroom door to the day ahead as the thoughts begin to ruminate. Go shopping, cook breakfast, vacuum, feed the cats, scoop the litter, make juice, skip the juice, take a shower…..

STOP!

Breathe in 1,2,3,4….

Make my juice. It’s day number 26. It’s what I do every morning first thing. Something healthy for myself above all else: I grab the bunch of kale and start juicing. This ritual has become somewhat meditative in the sense that I am focused on what I am doing with an understanding that it is not only healthy for me, but something I am doing completely for myself and my well being.

I am taking care of my insides. Not just my thoughts.

It’s in these moments that I realize that I actually have love for myself and that helps me reset the PMDD from derailing to more of a local train ride. Each stop is another opportunity for an action step in self-care.

Drink the juice.

Sit breathe in 1,2,3,4

….exhale.

It begins again…Cook breakfast, go shopping, vacuum, feed the cats, scoop the litter, take a shower wake the child…..

STOP!

Breathe in 1,2,3,4….

Focused, I feed the cats and scoop the litter and the thoughts come back, cook and take a shower and shop and I stop…I turn away from everything and I decide to take a shower…we’ll grab breakfast at the diner and then we’ll go shopping.

My back is tight and my arms feel heavy and I know that I will begin to cry soon if I don’t sit still allow the water to rain on me. I breathe in the scents of peppermint and lavender: tricks to calm my mind in every nook of my apt…I still want to cry. I sit in the tub and I brace myself. I begin to cry. I sit there and let my tears and anxiety somewhat wash away along with my fears. It’s always so good to cry. I can see outside of myself crying and it’s like magic…I feel better because I am really ok. Just a little wound up…I dress.

Dare I drive? One-shop two stops three stops and parallel parking! When I am in PMDD sometimes it’s difficult for me to get to the simplest destinations. However today I have my 14-year-old daughter with me and I felt safe enough to tell her where I was in my PMDD and she’s savvy enough and acquainted with my affliction enough to go right into help mode. I hope I have not created a co-dependent. She asks me what I need of her and I tell her and it’s comforting to know that I am not alone.

We eat, we talk about anything she distracts me with little facts and tales about pop stars that make me laugh and we go over how we are going to tackle the day.

One item checked off of the list at a time and minor anxiety attacks along the way. I remain focused and every now and again overwhelmed, but I get through it! I get through it because I focused on everything outside of me that was good and despite my inside voice beating the shit out of me. I don’t know how I didn’t just crumble. Every now and again I hated myself for being different and I wondered if I were disappointing my daughter. Then for a split thought I actually resented her because there was simply too much pressure to be her mom in the midst of PMDD moments. She’s been nothing but supportive and she dropped her teen-tude when I needed her…I was safe.

It was then that it hit me. My PMDD mind is actually relieved when I feel safe.  When I can drop my shoulders away from my ears.  When I can lean into love, I am unequivocally relieved.

This last 2014 epiphany will allow me to begin to live the next chapter of my life in love and light beyond my wildest dreams…

#decidedlySane

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The words thick on my skin – PMDD

27 Saturday Dec 2014

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD and Happy, PMDD AND RELATIONSHIPS, Uncategorized

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PMDD, PMDD Blog, PMDD Self Care

Somewhere between holiday shopping and attending parties there was a space in the frenzy where I had to question where I was in #PMDD.  Was I propelling into madness or was I okay?  Perplexed that in a sliver of a moment there was great opportunity for a certain sense of dread to wash over me. I realized then that all feelings will come to light.

This must be where the healing begins; wading in the aftermath of a relationship that had finally died.  I took a moment to revisit and it stole a piece of my sanity. The holidays are never easy especially when trying to move past disappointment.  In search of a reprieve, I continued to tell myself that it was going to be ok.  I am stronger today for all of my relationships, especially the ones that were most unhealthy.

I ventured on to one business event after another. Warm wishes of health and happiness slipped through my red lips.  The holiday hugs pressed against my chest with hands open and flat on my back.  I wondered if they could feel the words of all my insecurities branded on my skin like an animal that had been poked and prodded, still enslaved by old ideas.  The words have engulfed my existence.  I can still hear them spoken to me as my heels don’t allow me to touch the sky. I am perpetually stuck in that moment.

Words thick on my skin

How can I move forward in this world with PMDD?  I look around the room of beautiful people and wonder am I an imposter living a complicated life? I seem so pulled together, smart and engaged.  I begin to imagine everyone’s partner at home and wonder if I will ever find love or do I even deserve it.  Am I incapable of making anyone feel special?  I attend another event where I laugh a little too loud and I consider my next person needing to be a saint or selfless in order to be able to hold my hand through PMDD. I am standing alone at yet another event and realize that I may be doomed to be alone forever? My skin begins to itch.

The universe has a way of delivering me from the bondage of self; a call from a friend in need.  I answer and take solace in the fact that I no longer have to think about the past.  I can be present for someone else who obviously doesn’t read me the way I’ve been read. She is not in my head.  She is simply looking at me and what she sees makes her happy, brings her comfort and I begin to feel light and love emanate from our banter and laughter.  A moment of liberation. I have been holding myself hostage. No one sees the words on my body, branded by someone else’s indifference.

My #PMDD will grab onto anything that is the opposite of joy, health and life.  I must be vigilant even when I am not in PMDD, because morbidity resonates. This is ok.  I am ok. No feeling is a forever feeling and I have developed a skill set of behaviors to tap into my happy place despite feeling the words thick on my skin.  I will find a way to soothe the burn of the past, change the writing and live beyond my wildest dreams despite PMDD.

#decidedlySane.

Love Yourself

05 Thursday Jun 2014

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD, PMDD AND RELATIONSHIPS, Self-Care in PMDD

≈ 5 Comments

Tags

PMDD, PMDD Self Care, sef-care in pmdd, suicide and PMDD

Wow, what I say to myself really matters. My last post talked about how I told myself to shut the eff up and I did! I really just shut up and quite literally shut down my writing. The words did not come.

Love YourselfI’ve spent this PMDD holding feelings of dis-ease inside of my chest. I found myself pushing through the corridors of life. Like the dark little side streets of Philly, I felt sad and alone longing for a hand to hold. I wanted a gift of hope. I wanted a light at the bend of the corner not darkness and more despair. I was feeling antsy and wanted something to be excited about.

I couldn’t help thinking that there is a problem with me, but the real matter is this illness. PMDD has had me disagreeable for the most part of my life. I must realize the incredible lesson of the truth of self-sabotage. Telling myself to shut up. Shutting down my feelings felt great at first, finally there was silence. However a kinder gentler voice is a more effective approach if I want to consider nourishing my spirit and continuing to carry the message of hope and self-care.

Despite on a sliding scale, the good that I have done for myself I can’t help to wonder how much of this feeling is actually #PMDD or if I am over the mundane talk about “feelings” of being stuck “feelings” of inadequacy and am more interested in exploring feelings with my new sense of self, liberated and pushing through. Perhaps the hand to hold is my own.

Namaste

#decidedlySane

Shut Up!

30 Wednesday Apr 2014

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD, PMDD AND RELATIONSHIPS, PMDD and Yoga, Self-Care in PMDD

≈ 2 Comments

Tags

PMDD, PMDD Blog

Shut up and sit down

Shut up and sit down

In the past I have been able to directly correlate my stress level with the severity of the PMDD period. However well I take care of my self; stress is the number one offender for me. This month in particular was difficult because I am under extreme pressure and so I had to lean heavily on eating healthy, yoga and rest.

I had to take an honest assessment of myself and evaluate the stressors and what if any I could release from my racing mind. I could almost see myself as a third person thinking negatively and wanting to react in a mean spirited way to myself, others and situations that normally wouldn’t affect me as much. Although once I arrested my mind and became mindful, I didn’t cause pain to anyone or self-sabotage.

Instead, I forced myself to go yoga, sit in quiet and remove myself from people that I might be mean to. I was honest with those around me that used to bear the brunt of my PMDD. I admitted to them where I was and I was received with love and compassion and given the space to get through it. I didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings and while I felt my feelings were being incessantly hurt, I realized that it was my thinking.

I was feeling inadequate in many areas of my life. Although that may be somewhat true, I gave into feeling like a failure and began listing every part of my life where I made a wrong decision. I then began to feel really unattractive, miserable and wanted to eat loads of crappy food to fill in the giant sized hole in my spirit. In an instant I realized that was enjoying beating myself up and I had to toss the bullshit flag and yell out loud, “Shut the fuck up, Lizette! This is some bullshit thinking.”

What a revelation! I instantly felt empowered. I told myself to shut up, sit down and be decidedly sane in the quiet. I looked at myself in the mirror and smiled…sounds crazy? Well, if you’ve experienced PMDD you’ll probably relate.

Namaste

Get out of your head

19 Saturday Apr 2014

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD, Self-Care in PMDD

≈ 6 Comments

Tags

PMDD, sef-care in pmdd

More2LifeThere is something to be said about hanging out in your head for too long and isolating. Its like going hiking on a tricky path unarmed with the tools necessary to get you through. I say this because when I am focused on a project, paying it forward, practicing my spiritual practice I am in essence taking care of myself. I am trekking along the hike prepared for any detours that may arise.

However, the minute I go in and begin kicking up resentments about where I am or about things that still tick me off from the past and I go through the list of things I haven’t yet accomplished or the opportunities that slipped through my fingers, I get lost. I loose my way because in that moment, I’ve forgotten the lessons learned, how I’ve grown and all I’ve gained along the way. Remembering that I have gotten myself through many winding paths of confusion and now have more clarity than ever before is where the proof of growth is.  If I continue to feel like I’ve lost or am missing something, I am no longer in acceptance of where I am today and it doesn’t end there.  This will lead to my sliding into self-doubt and insecurity. I will lose my footing and trip over the most granular of pebbles along the trail. It’s insane to walk around in my head for too long unprepared and willing to be lost; I get nowhere very quickly and I begin to unravel.

Although the emotions and insanity are reminiscent, this is not PMDD. This is what happens to anyone who is struggling with self-doubt, insecurity, making a huge decision or simply going through a tough time. This is life. There are many correlations between feelings of anger and depression with PMDD. In my own experience, there are correlations with feeling a huge sense of confusion when experiencing PMDD and there is also this impending sense of doom before the blood comes. I’ve learned that I cannot be in a perpetual state of PMDD, however I may have felt like I was.  The times in-between were so short for a long while. I literally became complacent with feelings of dread. It was the darkest time of my life. I was submerged in feeling like shit for a really long time.

I found the solution for me to rise above constant darkness. Becoming mindful of my temperament in-between the rage and the quiet was the first step. There are so many emotions between happy and angry; unimaginable I know, but there are and I don’t mean sadness and rage. My journey began with the simplest idea of communicating with myself and pushing myself to experience other feelings. This meant I had to engage in life and find something light, easy, funny and experience laughter. I had to tell myself that I was worth loving. I knew that there was more to life than what I was experiencing. Creating an existence anchored in mindfulness by incorporating self-care.  This is the keystone to my being able to navigate even the trickiest of trails.

Ultimately, life is the greatest journey our individual minds will ever experience. How we navigate it is our choice. Choose to be decidedlySane and live it to the fullest. Experience the peaks and the valleys. Change your language about yourself. Communicate lovingly and remember that there are so many emotions between happiness and anger.

PMDD is not yet a common term among doctors

23 Sunday Feb 2014

Posted by decidedlySane in PMDD

≈ 4 Comments

Tags

PMDD, PMDD and exercise, PMDD Self Care, Prozac, suicide and PMDD

The veil of PMDD

Befogged in PMDD

I met with an Endocrinologist and left sadly disappointed.  Disappointed because I had had such high expectations that this doctor was going to assess me like the auto shop assesses my vehicle upon inspection. I wanted a printout of my hormone levels and instructions on how to maintain my body as well as a follow up after so many miles.

I was ushered into a room where the intake nurse asked,  “Why are you here to see this doctor,” as she stared squarely at the computer screen.  I noticed she was waiting for my response so that she can “process” me.  I paused until she looked at me and asked her if she had ever heard of the term PMDD and she said,  “No.  Is that why you are here?” to which I answered, “Yes, I am here to see if he can help me understand the hormonal shifts that are occurring in my body. I am here to learn about how my hormones effect me so that I can better take care of myself.”

“The doctor will be in shortly. Good Luck.” She pushed herself away from my situation and exited the room.

Left alone with my thoughts I began to retrace. I was diagnosed in 2008.  Why isn’t PMDD a household name?  It’s been years. The toll that this affliction has had on my life from self-confidence, living with a sense of impending doom, financial insecurity, constant turmoil in relationships to the ever present suicidal thoughts that randomly flash to the forefront of my consciousness.  These thoughts bring me to my knees, because sometimes it seems like a good idea.  In that moment I felt sad not only for myself but also for all of the women across the globe that suffer from PMDD.

The doctor enters the room light on his feet despite the heavy load bequeathed upon this visit, his expertise and the promise of a clear-minded life that I would have access to after only our first visit. Perhaps I was fool hardy and too optimistic, but I had questions to ask and I was ready to listen to answers that I had hoped would bring me relief.

He too begins to stare at the computer.  My profile has the answers he needs funneled in from every doctor that I’ve visited within this network of doctors.  My information is streamlined. Convenient for the doctors to access information and inconvenient for me, the patient who is looking to be looked at and not reduced to a scientific strategy of next steps that never resemble the complicated external particles that we call “real life.” Finally he looks at me and asks why I am not sitting with my gynecologist and if he were to suggest me to do anything that he would proscribe Lexapro or Flouxitine.

My heart sank.  I’ve not had good experiences with either of those I explain.  Immediately exasperated, I proceed to question his knowledge of PMDD.  He tells me that he’s never seen a patient for PMDD, doesn’t know anything about PMDD and that he can’t run any hormonal test on me because my hormones are being influenced by my birth control pill and then excuses himself to do a little research.

I imagine him going online to do a quick PMDD study.  He came back with a band-aid. He asked me to go back to my gynecologist and ask that she prescribe me a placebo pill that will thwart my break through bleeding for 90 days.  He handed me a printout and said that he didn’t need to see me again. Sadly, this was the beginning of the end of my “inspection.”

I asked why he thought that the simple 90 day relief would be better? What would happen at the 90-day mark? My fear is that I just might kill myself!  Too risky I said. I’d rather suffer with the demon I know and already live with than go back to risking my entire existence and the relationships I’ve built these past two years of rebuilding my life.

He sighed an uninspired retort, “You are doing all you can to take care.  Your diet, exercise routine and the fact that you no longer smoke or drink all play a part in your health.  Keep doing that.”

I left with my printout…90 days no period promise of keeping #PMDD at bay.

I left with my head hung low.

I left looking for the silver lining.

I left #decidedlySane.

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